


Shaky, Bloody Hands

by ambientbliss



Series: Military [2]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Military, Depressed Derek, Depression, Derek Comes Back, Future Fic, Gen, Hurt Stiles, M/M, Non-Canonical Violence, PTSD, Stiles is different, Stiles joins the Army, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-12
Updated: 2017-08-03
Packaged: 2018-09-08 05:07:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8831635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ambientbliss/pseuds/ambientbliss
Summary: Derek comes back, but something is different. Something has changed and Derek feels it. Will Stiles make it back?Unbeta'd.





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first military-ish fic, I'm sure not much is accurate. That being said I hope you enjoy.
> 
>  
> 
> *I do not own Teen Wolf or it's characters.

Derek had made his way back to Beacon Hills after leaving Mexico with Braeden. But he was alone in his return. Acknowledging proper procedure, he showed up at Scott’s house. It was summer so he expected someone to be home. He was greeted with Scott’s big puppy dog eyes. He may have grown, and he may be 19 now but he still looked like the kid that he ran into in the woods that day. The alpha had invited him into the house and they sat in the living room.

“What brings you back?” 

“I needed to come home. I don’t know what I thought leaving would do, but I needed to be back.” Derek couldn’t quite meet Scott’s gaze. He wasn’t going to ask to be part of the pack, he couldn’t, he was an Alpha and there was no way he would be able to lose the Alpha status without someone taking it. “I’m not asking you to let me in the pack, or even to let me be the Alpha, just you needed to know I was going to be staying.”

Scott nodded. Taking a moment before he answered. “You know you are welcome in this pack. I don’t really know what I am doing still. We could co-alpha if that is a thing…” It surprised Derek that Scott would want another Alpha in his pack, let alone him. They never really seemed to agree on anything, it was always Stiles who made them work together.

“Yeah, uhm that would be nice. Ya know… to be pack.” Derek cleared his throat. “Where is the rest of the pack?” He really did want to be part of his old pack, they were the closest thing he had left to family. Scott seemed to smile to himself a bit thinking about the pack before he answered. “Well, Isaac is back. He would love seeing you. He came back after we graduated and decided to stay. He is actually at work right now. Liam is off doing something with his girlfriend Hayden, before you ask he has his anger under control. His friend Mason is in our pack he is practically attached to Liam’s hip. Lydia is in France with her mother until school starts again. Most of us decided to stay close to home. Kira is in New York again with her dad until the end of the week.” 

Scott seemed satisfied with his answer, but there was something else he was dancing around. He would never be able to hide it from Derek, the man was a freaking walking lie detector. Derek definitely noticed that Scott left out Stiles. A brief moment of panic flushed through him, what if something happened to him? Why wouldn’t they tell him? Why didn’t the Sheriff tell him? He and Stiles grew close before Derek had up and left, from the one long text message and the voicemail he got from Stiles was enough to know that it hurt the teen. 

“What about Stiles?” 

Derek’s voice was low, he could feel the caution of each word as he spoke them. Not knowing if he wanted to hear this. Scott stiffened a little. Then realization flashed across his uneven face. “Stiles isn’t in Beacon Hills anymore. Frankly I don’t know where he is, none of us do. We hear from him every now and then but… contact is limited in the Army.”  
Army? What? Derek couldn’t wrap his mind around what he had just heard. Stiles joined the Army? Memories flashed through his mind on how many times he called himself weak, or not strong enough. “Oh.” Was all he could get out. This must have been Stiles’ way of proving to everyone he was strong enough, but he never had to prove it. They sat in silence for a while. It wasn’t awkward, it felt kind of like home, but Derek really needed time to process this. “I should probably go to the loft. I haven’t been there in a few years.” Then just as quick as he came, Derek left Scott’s house. 

++++

The loft was cold, and empty. Just the way Derek had left it. Well, sort of. It was obvious that the pack had used the key he left behind, but they managed to keep it in a livable state. Derek would have to get furniture delivered so have the pack over more, and move his bed from the living room to the actual bedroom since there didn’t appear to be much of a threat anymore. Scott had really done a great job, but his mind kept going to Stiles. 

After grocery shopping, and loading his bags back into the loft he checked the mail. He was sure that there was something in there from the insurance company. They always send him something every year. Derek was surprised to find 3 letters addressed to him, with no return address. He took them inside and sat down on his couch flipping the envelope over in his hand. Curiosity got the best of him, he brought the paper to his nose but it had changed too many hands to be able to get a smell from it that would identify who it was from. No one sent him letters. 

Derek gently tore open the envelope and pulled the letter out, unfolding the paper. When his eyes found the first two words he froze, his heart in his throat. 

_Hey Sourwolf._

__

_I don’t know why I am writing this. Hell, like you are ever coming back to Beacon Hills. I don’t even know why I am sending these to the loft. You are never going to read them, but oh well… here we are. I know the envelope is pretty cryptic. They like it that way. Unfortunately I cannot tell you where I am. Not that you care. I know what I can tell you though. It is too fucking hot. The sand is not sand… it is dirt and it gets everywhere. God… I hate it. But I am tan now, not pale, and not really as lanky as I used to be. Hell I could probably take you without the whole wolfy stuff. Shit gotta go._

__

_Oh hey there. Back again. Sorry. I promise it wasn’t my ADHD this time. Being part of this is different. God there is such a thrill about it, kind of like when we went up against the Alpha’s or even the Bezerkers, but the difference is this is very real and while I have to keep it a secret it isn’t supernatural. I hope you found whatever you were looking for when I last saw you in Mexico. Which… thanks for the goodbye jerk. What.. what if… I am not going to say it. Anyway. So if you are reading this I’m sure you have talked to Scott and he has filled you in on the pack. Sorry I’m not there. I should probably send this before I just give up on writing you completely._

__

 

__

_SS._

Derek’s eyes just looked at the page. There was a lot going on in his mind at that moment, and in his heart. He hated that Stiles thought he wouldn’t care where he is. If anything that was the only person he did care to know about, sure there was Isaac, but Derek always needed to know where Stiles was. It settles his wolf. He also hated that he knew what Stiles was hinting at. He picked up the next letter, it was dated almost a month after the first letter.

_Hey Derek._

__

_Here we are again, me sending a pointless letter. I know I could and should send one to Scott, but he just… he wouldn’t get it, and Dad would worry. You’re my safe bet. I hate it. I hate this. This was a bad decision. We went out on patrol. Fuck Derek… the worst part is I can’t even say anything. It is driving me up the wall. Well there are actually no walls. I hate it. I think we fucked up. You know me, I notice shit. The weird shit. I noticed something that was wrong… so wrong and I can’t do anything about it. My unit… we just… I know this isn’t like me, with the lack of words and shit but I hate it. Sure this made me stronger, physically, but this wasn’t what I should have done. I shouldn’t have tried to prove myself this way. I know you are thinking that I didn’t have to prove shit but here we are and there is nothing that can change it. Nothing can change the fact that you were gone. I thought we had something, a friendship …. I don’t know. There was something there, and then you weren’t there anymore. I know you are thinking this is because I was trying to prove myself to the pack… I wasn’t. I was trying to prove myself to someone else, and also to myself that I could be worth their time. I tried to follow the example of something I was observing and holy fuck was it the worst decision. Derek… I want to go home._

__

_SS._

The letters weren’t long but this one stuck out. Derek could read between the lines, something was compromised, he was sure of it. Stiles was never wrong about stuff like that. The guy had a knack for noticing and observing every single detail. Derek thought it might be the one thing that Stiles enjoyed about his ADHD. Sure he didn’t focus for long on just one thing, but it helped him notice everything. Then there was the vague reasoning for Stiles joining. Stiles was trying to show that he was worthy to someone and that set his wolf on edge. 

Stiles’ third letter sat there, begging to be opened, and Derek was happy to oblige. His hands shook a little when he noticed that this letter was 3 months after the second letter. The time gap was growing. 

_Derek,_

__

_I was right. I’m always right about stuff like that. This place, it is so fucked up. Fuck… I don’t know why I am fucking writing you still. You don’t even give a shit. Why would you? If you didn’t then, there is no reason for you to now. There is no way you could now. Not after all of this. I just… I’m not the same anymore. I’m different. I hate it. We’re going on a mission. Once again I can’t tell you where, or for how long, or if I will write again. On that note… I might as well just say what I need to say. I’m sure you are wondering why I joined. Well I kind of told you, but let’s be honest with each other, there isn’t a point not to. I could never be like her. Not the way I was. I couldn’t do what she did in Mexico, sure I knew how to shoot, but I wasn’t as skilled as her. I’m pretty sure I am now, if not more, no definitely more. The things I know how to do now, Scott can’t know. He wouldn’t ever look at me the same. But you. Fuck what is the point. I’m leaving in the morning. Our unit is going on a mission, what’s left of us, and we know what awaits. For me you were it, but I could never be that for you. So here I am writing this fucking letter, to a person who will probably throw it away before reading it because my fucking name isn’t allowed to be written on the fucking envelope. So here we are. This is apparently where we will leave this. Goodbye Derek._

__

_Stiles._

+++

Derek had sat on his couch for what felt like hours. It took him time to realize what he was reading. This was a goodbye letter. Stiles didn’t expect to come back from this. He didn’t expect to ever see or speak to Derek again. He didn’t like this. Something felt wrong. How long ago was this letter written? He checked the date again. It had been written a few days ago. 

He wrecked his brain over ever single word that Stiles had written. Stiles had been trying to prove himself to Derek because he saw how him and Braeden were together. All he could do now was wait, and hope to god he got another letter. 

But as the days and weeks went by nothing came. He sat down and wrote a letter to Stiles, and he even got an address from the Sheriff, but he couldn’t send it. He would send it after he got another letter. He knew he would. Isaac took to stopping by daily and spending time with Derek. The younger wolf could tell that there was something off about Derek, but he knew they wouldn’t talk about it.

Derek had slowly made his loft more like home. There were chairs and couches and tvs for the pack. They started meeting more at the loft, and John and Melissa would join them regularly for dinner. They were in the middle of a pack night when Derek felt it. It was like a punch to the chest, knocking the wind out of him. No one noticed him walk out to the balcony, and he wanted to keep it that way. 

His chest hurt, and then his collarbone. It was like he was hit with bricks, but then it dulled to an ache. Something felt wrong but he couldn’t figure it out. His wolf was restless, it felt the need to be somewhere that wasn’t here with the pack. That made Derek feel uncomfortable, but there was nothing he could do about it. He didn’t even know what was going on. He rejoined the pack before anyone noticed that he had left the room.

+++ 

A few days later Derek found himself sitting at the Sheriff’s house. They were having coffee and watching t.v. when there was a breaking story flashing across the screen. John turned up the volume to hear the story.

“A unit in Afghanistan has been reported missing within the last 72 hours. There is no word on the members of the unit, or what they were doing. We have been informed that the Army is doing everything they can to recover the unit.” 

Derek stopped listening after that. He couldn’t sit here with the Sheriff. Something in him told him that Stiles was in that unit, and that Stiles wasn’t just missing. Stiles was dead. He was out the door before he could even ground himself, faintly hearing the Sheriff shout that they don’t even know if it was him.

When he got back to the loft, he didn’t know what he was going to do. Stiles was gone, and he couldn’t send the letter. He never sent the letter. Fuck he never told Stiles anything that he wanted to tell him and now he would never see him again. That thought was like a heavyweight crashing down on him again. It was like losing Laura all over again. 

He completely retreated from everything. Weeks went by and he didn’t talk to anyone. Isaac and Melissa tried to get him out of the loft and out of his bed but he wouldn’t listen. Derek clung tightly to a hoodie that Stiles had forgotten at the loft. It still smelled like him, the crisp rainy smell. Derek loved Stiles, he realized that all too late. Stiles was gone and he was never coming back.


	2. Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is kinda of angsty... sorry.

6 weeks ago Stiles woke up in a hospital bed in Germany. He didn’t remember the transport, but he remembered what landed him here. Nothing could ever make him forget, and all he wanted to do was forget. His body still hurt, but now he was playing the waiting game. 

In the incident he was shot twice, and he was given a mean concussion that yielded in stitches on his forehead that would leave a scar barely hidden by his now grown hair. He missed it being this length. It worked for him Senior year. The scar on his head was nothing compared to the bullet wounds. The whole time he spent in the hospital he thought about his letters. He should write one to Derek, but there wasn’t a point. Derek never wrote back. He stopped asking about mail call and would only respond when someone handed him an envelope from Scott or his dad which were rare. He barely wrote them, less than he wrote Derek. 

Now Stiles sat in his uniform on the edge of his bed awaiting the doctor to come in. He was surprised when he came in with his Staff Sergeant. He stood at attention, wincing a little at the forceful movement. “At ease Stilinski.” Stiles shifted to a more comfortable position. “The doctor has your scans, and xrays.” Stiles stiffened, he didn’t know what to expect. 

“Your CT Scan was clear, however your xray of your shoulder is more concerning. You will have full motion of your arm, but there is some scar tissue forming that will be problematic to your continuation in the Army.” The doctor fell silent. Stiles knew what that meant, or at least he thought he did, but he had to be sure. “So what does that mean?” 

His Staff Sergeant stepped forward. “SPC Stilinski, we are recommending a medical discharge. The scar tissue forming in your shoulder is something that can be worked around, however considering the situation that caused this injury we are recommending that you accept the medical discharge that would be effective immediately.” 

Stiles’ head was swimming. He was going to be going home. All he wanted was to go home, and 6 weeks ago he was sure he wouldn’t be able to make it home again. “What is the procedure sir?”

“We have the paperwork ready, there is a transport leaving in the morning back to South Carolina. You will meet with the discharge office there finish your debriefing and then you are free to go where ever you like. I am sad to see it end this way, you are a brilliant kid.” He shook his Staff Sergeant's hand after signing the paperwork, and took the information and prescriptions from his doctor. 

++

The transport flight to the states was horrible, it felt like it took forever. Then meeting with the discharge office was a pain. They kept going on and on about him being discharged at 19 and how he still had his whole life ahead of him for college. Stiles knew he wasn’t going to go to college. He was going to go back to Beacon Hills and he was going to try to go back to his life. 

He hated the flight from South Carolina to Los Angeles. So many people were staring at him in his ACU’s. He didn’t have anything to change into, and he tried to catch the first flight as soon as possible. He had a few things from his unit housing in his backpack, and security was a bitch. But there he stood in the LAX terminal. He was close enough to home. He didn’t tell anyone he was coming. Taking a taxi to Beacon Hills was out of the question, so he made another rash decision. 

Soon Stiles was driving to Beacon Hills in a brand spanking new Jeep Wrangler unlimited in all black. His jeep back home was toast, so he needed a ride anyway. When he pulled into the driveway the cruiser was parked in it’s usual spot. Very carefully Stiles got out of the car and walked to the door, it was unlocked and he let himself in. “Melissa? Is that you? I thought pack night was tomorrow?” John called from the living room.

Stiles froze where he was standing. John turned the corner and mirrored his son’s reaction. “Stiles?” The boy let out a stuttered breath, and John converged on him. The hug was tight and it still hurt but he wasn’t going to say anything. He melted into John. His father had previous military experience, and Stiles knew he understood that he didn’t want to explain everything.

“How long are you home for?” John dared to ask. “Can we sit?” John nodded and Stiles followed him to the kitchen, gratefully accepting a cup of coffee. His father must have been in the middle of getting ready for work. “The unit in the news… it was your unit wasn’t it?” He knew this was coming.

“Yeah. It was.” John just nodded at his son, knowing he didn’t want to talk about it. “I’m here to stay. Medical discharge… my shoulder. It’s fine but they recommended it so I took it.” The look on John's face said everything. He was happy to have his son home. “Dad, can we keep this between us. The discharge, and me being here. I don’t know if I am ready to see anyone yet.”

John was reluctant to let Stiles’s presence go unnoticed by the pack. He knew Stiles needed time, but there was also the issue of Derek. 

Stiles wanted to ask about the pack, but settled for asking if Melissa had a key to the house. He sat listening, and smiling occasionally as his father told him about him and Melissa getting closer, which turned into him talking about the pack. 

Knowing that the pack was doing well made Stiles feel a little better, especially knowing that Isaac was back. John had left for work shortly after. Stiles decided to shower and try and sleep.

+++

It was two days of Stiles being back, and he had managed to not be noticed by the pack. He had thrown a tarp over his new Jeep, and John had gotten called in to work for pack night so there was no chance he would be smelt on his father.

During those 2 days Stiles was alone. Every time he fell asleep he woke up screaming. He hated it. Especially when he woke up his dad. It made him feel worse. 

On the third day Stiles made a decision that would help him. After showering and cleaning his room, he wrote out a quick letter, then dressed and took his Jeep to the preserve. 

++++

After pack night Derek was all but forced out of his loft. He was looking horrible and feeling horrible. He felt tired even though he slept most of the time. 

Derek forced himself to go out and run in the woods. He was running, clearing his head when he smelled it. That crisp smell. He started following it. As it was getting stronger he picked up on a clicking sounds. 

He stopped dead in his tracks when he came through the clearing. Derek knew his mind was playing tricks on him. That what he was seeing wasn’t real. But it didn't stop Derek from creeping closer. 

He was almost in touching distance when the man stood, spun around and pointed the barrel of a gun at his forehead.  
“St..Stiles?”

His heart was hammering in his chest. Stiles didn’t know what he was doing, he should have heard someone coming closer but there it was. He was still useless. Stiles’s vision was blurred, but when it cleared he sucked a sharp breath in. “Derek?” 

The wolf slowly reached for the gun. Never letting their eye contact break. Stiles couldn’t believe what he was seeing. No one mentioned that Derek was back. And damn did he look like shit. “This isn’t real. You aren't really here.” the words seemed to echo in the woods, and Stiles was surprised to realize that he wasn’t the one saying them.

Those words came from Derek. In a very mechanical motion Stiles put the gun back into the waistband of his jeans. “I’m real.” That was all he could get out before Derek had him in a bone crushing hug. “Are, are you staying at the loft?” Derek just nodded. “Can we…” 

Derek was leading them to the ends of the woods. Holding onto his hand as if he would float away if he let go. It was apparent that Derek didn’t drive so Stiles brought them to his new Jeep and drove to the loft.

+++

Stiles was shocked to see that Derek had bought furniture for the loft, but he wasn’t going to say anything. Derek looked too fragile. “So you’re home.” Derek’s voice sounded rough. Stiles nodded. “I uh… yeah. I am. And I am not going back. I'm out, so. It was rough, and hard. It changed me.”

“I could tell from your letters.” At that Stiles’s eyes snapped up. Anger laced in his golden brown eyes. “How long have you had them? How long have you had them and never fucking wrote back?” Derek froze in front of him. Stiles didn’t want their reunion to be like this. But here they were. “I got the third letter a few days before I got back. Then I saw the news broadcast.” his voice cracked when he spoke.

Derek walked out of the room and walked back handing something to Stiles and then sat across the coffee table from him. It was his letter.

_Stiles,_

_Why would you think I couldn’t care where you are? I always care. Especially about you. I know I left and I am sorry. God I am so sorry. You never had to prove yourself to me. It never stopped me from feeling this way before. Stiles, I want you to come home so badly. I didn’t like the way your last letter sounded. I know you said you are different now. That’s okay. That won't change anything. I still… you are it for me. You were always it for me I was just scared to admit it. So when you come home, I am never ever letting you out of my sight again. I love you._

_D._

Stiles felt a tear roll down his cheek, as he folded up the letter. With a shaky hand he pulled his own letter from his pocket and slid it across the table to Derek. “I uhm, I won't be needing this anymore.”

Derek’s brow furrowed. Then he opened the letter. It was short.

_To whoever finds this._

_I am so sorry. Tell my dad I love him, but I just can't do this. The nightmares are too much, seeing them die again… I can't. Tell Derek I loved him. Tell Scott… I’m sorry._

_Stiles Stilinski._

Derek was gutted. This was a suicide note. Stiles had gone out into the woods to kill himself. “Why Stiles? You're home… why would you…”

Stiles didn't let him finish. “Because everything is so messed up. God Derek. But… now… I have you.” he stood and walked over to Derek, gently cupping his cheek. Kissing him. It felt like taking a breath for the first time. It was quick and sweet, but Stiles needed it like he needed to breathe. 

“Bedroom.” it didn’t take long for them to be in Derek’s room. Their lips were on each other again. Derek hadn’t realized how good Stiles looked. His body filling out his old clothes from high school. They were tight, and it was driving him insane. 

In the frenzy of lips and tongues Derek rid stiles of his hoodie and was heading for his shirt as he was already shirtless. Stiles froze. “What’s wrong?” Derek pulled back a little. 

Stiles pulled himself completely out of Derek’s arms. Taking a step back. Derek sat down on the bed. Confused. “Did I do something wrong?” Stiles shook his head. “No… it's just. I don’t… I’m not the same as I used to be.” Stiles wrapped his arms around himself. “I thought you either didn't get my letters or that you didn’t care. And I laid in that fucking hospital bed for 6 weeks thinking that you hated me. I just… well I wanted to die. I didn’t want them to fix me.” Derek looked at him with more confusion. “Hospital?”

Stiles took a deep breath and stepped a little more closer to Derek. He needed to be grounded because this would be the first time he verbalized it. “I got shot. Twice, and they scarred… and it looks horrible… so if I take my shirt off and you see them and you don't want this anymore I get it.” 

He slowly lifted his shirt and pulled it over his head. Stiles’s eyes focused on Derek as the wolf took in his chest. Without saying anything, Derek lifted his hand and gently touched the scarred skin or Stiles’s chest and shoulder, right next to his collarbone. 

The look that was on Derek’s face scared Stiles. “I… felt it.” His voice was low. Full of terror and realization. “What are you talking about?” It was Stiles’s turn to be confused. Derek grabbed Stiles’s hand bringing his finger to touch his own chest and his own collarbone. “First it was my chest. I felt like the wind was knocked out of me, then my collarbone. It was sharp until it went to a dull ache.” 

Stiles could barely find his words. How in the hell did Derek know he was hit in the chest first. “I fucking felt you being shot. I didn't know what it was. And my wolf wanted to run. Fuck. I know why now.” Stiles was shaking as Derek spoke. Trying to wrap his mind around the fact that Derek felt him being shot from thousands of miles away. Hell almost a whole world away. “Why?”

Derek’s eyes shot up to look at Stiles. “You’re my mate.” Stiles plopped down on the bed next to Derek, dropping his shirt on the floor. Bracing his elbows on his knees. This whole time he thought Derek would never want anything to do with him in that way, and now he was mated. Forever. “Stiles… you don't have to feel that way. I can just…” 

Stiles turned his head to look at Derek. “Scars aren't the only thing different Derek.” He moved his arm a little, revealing the large triskelion tattooed to his rib cage. Derek’s eyes widened. Gently he pulled Stiles further onto the bed, resting their heads on the pillows.  
“I love you. I am never going to let you go. I meant it in my letter. I was going to send it as soon as I got another letter but I didn't. Fuck Stiles… I thought you were dead. I haven't been functioning since that news broadcast… not until Isaac and Melissa kicked my ass outside today. Please don’t ever leave me.”

Stiles nuzzled his face into the crook of Derek’s neck, and wrapped his arms around his waist. “I’m alive, and I am home. I love you Der.” Derek let out a breath that was strangling him, and squeezed Stiles tighter. “Move in with me.”

“Okay. But… sleep first.” Stiles fell asleep and for the first time since he has been home, he had a dreamless sleep.


	3. The secrets out.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are okay, until their not and Stiles doesn't know if he is ruining more things than he is fixing. Derek on the other hand is a wreck, fixing his anchor is taking more out of him than he expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovelies. I am so sorry it has taken me this long to update. This is most likely the last chapter in this piece. I just don't know where to go with it, and I apologize if it isn't up to your expectations. 
> 
> Thank you all for your support and comments. 
> 
> XoXo!

Having Stiles back was like a dream. Derek was constantly afraid that he would wake up and Stiles would be gone. Not just the gone of getting up and leaving or never being there in the first place, but gone as in dead. Never having left the desert gone. Stiles was different. Derek knew he would be, and Stiles told him about a hundred times the day after he asked the younger man to move in. It didn't matter. Derek would make it work, he wasn't the same either. Somewhere in Derek's mind a voice kept telling him that they would never be the same people as they were the last time they saw each other. 

It was hard for Derek to let Stiles out of his sight for the first few weeks. Once Derek was sure that he was not hallucinating, he would limit the distance to hearing. If he could hear Stiles breathing, and his heart beating he wouldn't panic. Simple tasks like going to the store had become a panic overload for Derek, while Stiles handled it the normal way as if nothing changed. Now at least Stiles could wonder to the cereal aisle without Derek following him within an inch. 

Stiles never complained though. He never said anything to Derek about being too close, or following him around. In fact when Stiles did catch Derek in the act of stalking he would laugh and a smile would be plastered on his face. As they both integrated into a life that was semi normal, at least what could be normal for them, they started to act like they had before. 

Derek would make some errant comment and Stiles would go off on a tangent. Arms flailing about if the topic was something that Stiles felt passionate about. Almost as if all his military training disappeared in those moments. Derek loved it, but something he loved to watch was the skills Stiles had developed. His senses where heightened. Stiles often picked up on sounds and their locations before some of the wolves. The awareness that Stiles now had was incredible. That paired with his already perceptive self was almost dangerous. 

That combination was something Derek tried to stay away from. It was lethal, and reminded him of Kate. The difference was that this is Stiles. A teenager, well he used to be, that Derek had known for years. Derek had seen Stiles at his worst, and vice versa. Stiles willingly dove into a pool to hold all 230 pounds of him up for two hours. Derek trusted Stiles more than he ever wanted to trust someone again and it was so easy to do it. 

If he were honest with himself, Derek realized he was the one who wasn't taking this whole thing well. Constantly afraid that he would wake up and Stiles would be gone, or turn a corner and there Stiles would be, dead on the floor. In those moments Derek seemed to shut down, much like he did on the anniversaries of the fire. Somehow Stiles always knew, and always pulled him out. Each time it was like the bond pulling taught, until it snapped.

They had finally gotten to the point where Derek didn't need to see Stiles, or hear him to know he was alive and okay. He could feel it. Things were calming down and Derek's wolf finally settled. That was when Derek thought things were fine. The key word being thought, and Derek should really know better. The heartbeat next to him raged in the dark. Pounding so hard that Derek actually thought it was going to explode. Next came the smell of crippling fear. 

Derek had reached over to try and wake Stiles, only to have Stiles jerk upright and scream. His breathing was ragged, and Derek didn't want to make it worse. He didn't try to hold him down, or yell at him to calm down. Instead Derek grabbed Stiles's hand trying to ground him. Placing it to his own chest letting Stiles feel the raging of his own heart.

Once Stiles calmed down, and was catching his breath Derek took a moment himself. Gently rising from the bed and stepping around the corner. The last thing he wanted was Stiles to notice that he was freaking out. Derek almost jumped out of his skin when Stiles rounded the corner.

"Derek?"

"Yeah... I'm just..."

"No. We can't do this anymore." 

Instantly Derek felt pain in his chest. Was Stiles just easily leaving him like that? He was in the middle of finding something to say when Stiles's lips crashed to his. That was the moment it changed. It wasn't passionate, and gentle. Instead it was bruising as if they both couldn't stop holding on. Truth be told they couldn't. Heated, emotion filled sex. Derek had Stiles's body shaking and wreathing beneath him. The Alpha in Derek came out and it was exactly what Stiles had wanted, and needed.It left both of them breathless. 

It became their go to. Anytime there was panic, anytime there was concern or worry they found themselves bending each other over the closest flat surface. It wasn't healthy, Derek knew that, and Stiles knew that but it seemed to be the only way they could get it through their minds that each of them were actually there. It was working. Stiles didn't have another nightmare. Not that Derek knew of. 

The nightmare, and some of Stiles's habits were things that made them different. Derek didn't push, he didn't want to make Stiles think that he had to tell him everything that happened, really the wolf didn't know if Stiles could. If the younger man was having a hard enough time when he got back to the point where he was going to shoot himself, Derek didn't want to push him back there. Stiles was Derek's anchor, and if he lost him... not only would he never forgive himself but he wouldn't last much longer.

+++

On a particularly hot day, the supernatural decided it was going to get in the way. Again. While they had been doing better, Scott and Stiles still were not the same. Scott had questions, Stiles didn't want to answer and it turned into an argument that Derek was always stopping. But this time, the pack needed to stick together. 

Skin walkers. Taking the shape of anything they want. Making it extremely difficult to kill considering they would take a shape of someone you love, or someone you know. It was their little party trick. It was easier for them to fool humans, but werewolves made it more difficult. Especially a born wolf like Derek who relied on senses more than anything. He could smell the difference. The problem was if they were in a stand off, it would be difficult especially if the person they are mimicking is there. 

The pack was in a clearing out by the Hale property. The moment they walked into the preserve Stiles was different, the way he moved was like Derek had never seen before. Frankly he didn't know the younger man could move like that. If Derek hadn't seen him with his own eyes, he wouldn't have thought he was there. He could barely be heard moving through the woods. They didn't know what the Skin walkers wanted or what they were trying to do, but Derek knew they were not getting out of here alive.

When the first one walked through the clearing, Derek's heart stopped. He knew this would happen. In front of him stood a copy of Stiles. The Stiles that he left behind. That was the moment Derek knew this would be harder, he couldn't kill Stiles. Even if he knew it wasn't real. Scott wouldn't do it either. They were screwed.

"What do you want?"

"Derek... I think you know."

"Enlighten the rest of us!" Scott's voice grew angrier.

Not Stiles turned his head toward Scott. Sighing much like Stiles used to do when he was frustrated with Scott for not listening. 

"Scotty boy... you don't pick up on much do you?" No Stiles laughed. "We've come for Derek."

Immediately Derek was confused. He honestly thought they would be there for Stiles. It wasn't the first time some supernatural asshole came for the glue that held the pack together, that held Derek together. Scott continued to look between Stiles, Not Stiles, and Derek. No one was saying anything, and all Derek could sense was confusion. He expected Stiles to lose it right next to him but all he could sense was calm. This was going to end badly, and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

+++ 

Stiles's ears were ringing. He was almost 100% sure they said that they came for Derek. It was a shock to him and apparently everyone else as they stood their silently. Stiles didn't take his eyes off the Skin Walker. While he was the only one in sight, he wasn't alone. As the other Stiles looked back at him thoughts raced through his head. How do we do this? Derek isn't going anywhere, he knew that part for sure. The other Stiles looked so much like the anxiety riddled teenager that he left behind. Some aspects of his old self were appealing, he missed how animated he would become when he was talking about his interests... Stiles idly wondered if he could get that part of him back. Maybe Derek can help him with that.

That's right... Derek. They wanted Derek and it wasn't going to happen. As the other Stiles grew tired of the silence, he started to move. He could hear movement all around him. The pack wasn't making a move and Stiles had to wonder why. Why where they all so ready to give Derek up to a bunch of Skin Walkers who are probably going to kill him? The old Stiles would have yelled for Scott to do something, or anyone to do anything. Not now. Now he had the capability of holding his own. 

As 3 other Skin Walkers emerged from the woods, they took the shape of someone else. People that Stiles knew, people that were also supposed to be dead. Kate, Jennifer, and Allison stepped out, attempting to surround Derek. The Alpha. The one all of them have tried to kill, all but Stiles... well that wasn't entirely true, there was the incident with the Nogitsune.

Stiles glanced around the pack, watching as Scott was frozen still, Isaac was frozen, Kira standing behind Scott. Liam and Mason just stood there. Everyone was just fucking standing there. Stiles's eyes landed on Derek's. He looked slightly panicked but not as if he were going to die. Stiles knew what was causing this. Two of the three women had been with him, and his doppelgänger was taunting him.

"Take one more step and all of you are dead."

His voice was calm, not shaking, it was almost like he asked about the weather. Not him turned to face him again. Cocking his head to the side so much like Void did. 

"Are you so sure? I don't think you can kill us. They sure can't."

"Stiles..." 

Scott's voice was firm. It was like a flashback to the moment Scott said they could save a Chimera that tried to kill him. Scott didn't want to kill the Skin Walkers. This idiot thought he was going to be able to make a deal with them. If Stiles had thought Scott would gain some common sense in the time he was gone... boy he was just proved wrong.

Without hesitation, Stiles pulled his pistol from the back of his waistband. It was loaded with mountain ash bullets, perfect to take down a Skin walker with the right shot. And Stiles.. well no one knew but he was the right shot. The Skin Walkers started to laugh while stepping closer to Derek. 

He felt it before he heard it, the gun going off. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Scott panic and try to make a run for the skin walkers. Kate fell, dead. Then Jennifer, and then Allison. A sharp growl pierced the air and Stiles was once again focused on Not Stiles. Who somehow managed to get between him and Derek. 

"He will leave with me willingly you know. He will do everything willingly to keep you alive."

That was honestly the moment Stiles was waiting for. Something to make him snap. He saw red, swinging the pistol until he made contact with Not Stiles's head. Then he was on him, pinning him to the earth while his fist reigned down. Skin cracking, blood pouring from the Skin Walkers face, unable to heal. Stiles knew he wasn't going to stop. The Skin Walker would be dead before he stopped. 

"STILES!"

At the sound of Derek's voice, Stiles's head snapped up, looking at him. He was okay, he was alive. With the pack looking on, Stiles placed the barrel of the pistol to the Skin Walker's forehead. Without even blinking he pulled the trigger. Black blood splattering his face. As he stood up he could feel the entire pack looking at him. No... they were staring at him. Not at the bodies of the Skin Walkers in their original forms, but at him.

"You... we could have reasoned with them."

"No Scott. We couldn't have."

"How do you know?! Huh? You think you know everything! We don't kill people Stiles!!"

"I KILL PEOPLE SCOTT!" 

Stiles had enough of tip toeing around the subject. He was going to get it out right now. Right here. If the pack was going to let him stay here then fine, but if not he just hoped Derek wouldn't hate him for the things that he has done. 

"I didn't get stuck in the fucking desert to walk around and look at more fucking sand and dunes. I killed people Scott. More than I really want to admit. I had no choice! That's why they put me there. I watched my squad get fucking picked off, one by fucking one Scott. Men with bombs hidden under their clothes attempting to blow up schools. It wasn't supernatural. It was fucking real! I wasn't going to come back!"

Scott stood there, glaring, looking for a lie. It made Stiles even more angry, and if they all wanted to know what happened, what the news won't tell them, what the debriefing was for... they will know.

"We were ambushed, we didn't just fucking disappear into the desert. I thought what the Nogitsune did to me was bad... that was cake Scott. Being shot twice in the chest is not something a person wishes to have happen to them, along with so many other things that you wouldn't begin to imagine. So when you say we don't kill people, speak for your fucking self."

Stiles put his gun back in place, took one last looked at Derek and headed out of the woods. He had buried enough people, they would have to do it. When he was just outside of the woods he stopped.

"Der, if you can hear me... see you at home."

The walk to the loft was relatively uneventful. Stiles knew that with his outburst in the woods he would have to deal with the consequences of Scott, but he could put that off until absolutely necessary. He flexed his hand feeling the cracks in his skin, knowing he needed to be cleaned up. Stiles walked to the bathroom, setting the gun down on the countertop, he leaned over the sink looking in the mirror. The blood spatter covered his face reminding him of the incident with the test proctor for the SAT. 

Normally that would have sent him into a panic attack, instead he took a deep breath and hung his head. Trying to find the energy to clean himself up.

"Stiles... Stiles!"

He turned his head to find Derek standing in the bathroom door. He must not have been far behind him.

"What are you doing." 

Derek's voice was a little shaky, as if he was walking on eggshells. He didn't need to... he should know that. Then his eyes fell on the gun sitting on the counter. Oh.

"I just... I needed to clean myself up. I didn't want it to discharge while tucked into my pants."

The wolf moved closer to Stiles, grabbing his shoulder and turning the younger man to face him. Stiles leaned against the counter as Derek proceeded to clean him up. Once Derek seemed to be satisfied with his work both of them left the bathroom and headed to the bedroom. 

Derek stripped down to his briefs and sat on the bed, waiting. But Stiles just stood there looking at the floor as if he was ready to bolt at a moments notice. It made Derek nervous.

"Do you want to stay somewhere else?" 

"That depends. Do you want me to?"

"Why wouldn't I?"

"I killed people Derek. You've heard me. Hell... you saw me. I didn't hesitate. I'm trained to kill."

"Stiles..."

"Derek I was..." the fidgeting began, almost like it had never gone away. "There are things no one knows... and I am sure when you know them that you will want me to leave."

"I know that the nightmare you had wasn't the first, and I am sure it won't be the last. Stiles you don't need to tell me."

"But I do Derek. If I don't tell you then you are getting into this with a grenade. I am a grenade Derek. I can go off at any minute. You saw me out there... I wasn't going to stop."

Derek sat still for a moment, realizing that Stiles was saying that if something happens he could potentially take Derek with him and that wasn't what Stiles wanted. Even if Derek didn't want to live without him.

"Tied to a chair, with an MR16 pointed to my temple. They are much like hunters, but tasers and water torture are their thing. I wouldn't give them the information they wanted. Then they shot me. Left me for dead. I was almost dead. Now I am here managing to ruin every friendship and relationship I ever had."

The wolf sat there quietly, comparing some of the things that Stiles had said to some of the things he remembers so vividly before they found him in Mexico. Stiles wasn't the only one who was broken in ways they shouldn't have been. 

"Do you know why I was panicking out there?"

"Yes. Jennifer... and mostly Kate. Aside from Not Me taunting you... again."

"When I was in Mexico, before you found me de-aged... Kate liked torture. Electricity mainly. She used a lot of things against me. I was hoping that you would find me and that didn't help the situation. Sex has always been used as a weapon against me. Being tied up and electrocuted with your pants around your ankles is not ideal."

Stiles's body was vibrating with anger. If Kate wasn't already dead he would have been sure to make her suffer, and no one would find what was left of her. Physical brutal torture in the desert wasn't fair, but this... what she did to Derek... what she keeps finding a way to do to Derek is something Stiles would move heaven and earth to make it stop. Stiles's mind was running wild. Thinking of all the similarities, all the things that Derek said, until it landed on one. "Sex has always been used as a weapon against me." 

Memories of their first time together flashed into Stiles's mind. He made the advance, he did it while Derek was vulnerable. It wasn't intended that way but that was how it happened. Stiles had already ruined Derek. Before Stiles could even think of something to say his vision was blurring, and hot tears were running down his cheeks. The very thing he was trying to protect Derek from tonight, was something he had already done. 

"Tell me to leave."

"Stiles..."

"Please... D-Derek... tell me to leave. Kick me out."

"Do you want to go that badly?"

"You should want me to go. We... I... I did the same thing to you that Kate did. Don't you see that?! The first time we were together. You were not okay. I wasn't okay. Yet there we were in bed together and I was being Kate. I was taking something from you."

"Stop!" 

Derek's eyes flashed red, and the Alpha stood. Stiles didn't take anything from him. He was determined to make him understand. 

"Stiles you might be stronger, and stealthier, but you can still be an idiot. If I didn't want you, I wouldn't have let it happen. You didn't incapacitate me, you didn't trick me. I wasn't okay because you weren't okay. That is how this works. Mates remember. I feel what you feel. You touching me is nothing like her. The only thing you can take from me is you, and I am begging you not to."

"Mates."

"Yeah Stiles. Remember. Mates. Like I told you the night you came back. I wasn't lying, I wasn't making something up to get you to stay. I wanted to tell you before I left, but I needed to leave and you were so into Lydia and Malia it was just hard. I couldn't do that to you. But here we are. Never once have I said no to you. If I find a need to I will. You need to know that you can say no too. You can walk out that door right now if you want to, but it won't change the fact that I would be lost the moment you leave."

A tense silence stretched through the room. This was happening more and more around the people Stiles cared about. Long silences, that used to be something he would hate. Now he is feeling out the situation. Which totally makes sense now. Derek is always quiet because he is assessing a situation, not because he has a lack of something to say, or because he hates everyone. He just needs to know how to react. 

Stiles moved to stand next to Derek. His composure had never been compromised like it is when he is with Derek. Without saying a word Stiles dropped his head onto Derek's shoulder. He was exhausted. Emotions running high, and killing four Skin Walkers on top of arguing with Scott. If there was anything that had grounded Stiles throughout the last weeks it was Derek. He knew Derek was his constant. 

"I'm so sorry." 

The words were muffled by Derek's shirt, but he heard them clearly. The wolf wrapped his arms around Stiles's shoulders, pulling him flush against him. 

"It's okay."

A muffled groan rumbled through Stiles's chest. Derek knew that as the groan of realization.

"I'm gonna have to deal with Scott. He is such a child."

The comment made Derek laugh. That was the least of his concerns.

"He will have to deal with it. I'm the Alpha, you are my right hand. Blandly moral as Peter once put it."

That caused Stiles to laugh, like really laugh. His eyes were watering but not because he was breaking, because he actually agreed with Peter. Derek snorted a laugh along with him, bringing both of them to the bed. 

"This is going to work."

"Yes... yes it is."

Derek could still smell the gunpowder on Stiles's shirt, and the blood stained there, but he didn't care. His mate was here and safe that was all he could ask for. The rest will come in time.


End file.
